reverse threading

the path back is the path forward


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the dazzle. [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

“still, what i want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled – to cast aside the weight of facts and maybe even to float a little above this difficult world.” (mary oliver)

we check on the world right before sleep these days. we feel like it is a citizen’s duty to know what is happening in our own country, what is happening because of our own country, to be aware of the chaos, to be somewhat versed in the goings-on, to try – without success – to understand where it’s all headed and to – somehow – grok why. it’s all nearly impossible. and it is overwhelming.

we check on the world when we wake these days. we feel like it is a citizen’s duty to know what is happening in our own country, what is happening because of our own country, to be aware of the chaos, to be somewhat versed in the goings-on, to try – without success – to understand where it’s all headed and to – somehow – grok why. it’s all nearly impossible. and it is overwhelming.

and we know that there is less and less probability of it all making sense. for this must be intended-chaos and the world is ever more difficult because of it.

we sat at the bistro table in our sunroom with a glass of wine. dusk had fallen, the happy lights were on, dogga was on the rug at our feet.

we talked about the unsteadiness of these days.

and we talked about our own steadiness. we talked about the sweet phase.

we talked about sitting on the rocks in the middle of the stream way up in the mountains on a cool, quiet afternoon.

we talked about the change in our own chase of success – what that word even now means to us.

in spite of the world outside our sitting room – even with all that in mind – we could feel a sense of amazement.

we listed little things – the happy lights, the chiminea in the corner, the muddy hike, the score of finding an eight dollar glass candlestick lamp, the celebration of homemade pizza.

we listed bigger things – things more personal, more close-in, adulting things, things of quiet but profound accomplishment.

we acknowledged that – despite the broken road meander of our lives – even in the weight of all the cruel, mind-bogglingly destructive actions of this planet – we can see the dazzle around us.

and that’s the thing. the dazzle.

we need to recognize its presence. we need to keep seeking it. we need to keep reaching for it. we need to wrap our freaking arms around it – for dear life.

“i don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.” (mary oliver)

*****

MEANDER © 2004 kerri sherwood

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depth-of-field reality. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

i took this photograph the other morning and then later showed david. it took him a minute or so to figure out that it was a photo of a squirrel on the fence on the other side of the driveway. he had some context, though, recognizing that i like to sometimes take photos through the screen of the window. it distorts the image a bit and changes the scope of the depth of field, focusing on the screen rather than the image beyond, but more information aids in discernment, in seeing what it is that is there.

as i sit and write this – at this moment – i am waiting for someone to come and pick up the giant ant farm that we are giving away. the person who is picking it up is going to share it with pre-school children so that they might study this ant farm. though i’m pretty certain that she will also teach them that this is a tiny example of how ants live ‘out there’ in the big world, they will focus up-close on how its community works.

how community works.

i’ve written before that i’ve wondered if whatever great deity you might believe in is watching us all – here on planet earth – as we function – er, dysfunction – as a community of people. as we somehow err to the everyone-for-themself way of being in the world. as we push and shove to place personal agenda before any kind of synergistic, collaborative orientation.

is this deity peering through window screen, watching distorted figures go about daily living under the guise of “together” but cultivating nothing of that sort?

is this deity peering through a clear plastic screen, watching us on this planet make ruin of our natural resources, undermining our environment, our sustainability, the beauty of this earth?

if you look closely and focus on what is clear, you will see window screen, separating the viewer from the view.

if you let your eyes focus further out – despite the depth of field blur – you will see the squirrel, the fence, a bit of our westneighbors’ garage.

it’s not so much a mystery once you have more information. then, you will see it for what it is.

it’s all real.

it seems important to work at viewing the big picture.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

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stoke up. [kerri’s blog on flawed wednesday]

the outside world got really quiet. the snow fell most of the afternoon and into early evening. we decided to go nowhere, immersed in the horrific news of the day. it was saturday, the last day of february.

i suppose we could have gone out – there were errands to be done. i suppose we could have gone somewhere to entertain ourselves or be entertained. i suppose we could have tipped a glass at some bistro or bar, shared a meal together, people-watched.

but this morning had brought us the overnight news of a new war conflict and – as we tried to process this new insanity – while others posted patriotic country songs clearly in favor of this pedo-files-distraction/this follow-the-corrupt-money-trail/this what-the-hell-is-this-anyway – we just weren’t up to leaving our home.

i suppose that (at least some) of mother nature will go on after we humans have utterly destroyed this planet, after we have made it impossible to live with each other, after every safety has been discarded and the world has become literally toxic in every single way.

i suppose that it may still snow. there may still be quiet days, when there is a hush outside. there may still be sun. there may still be stars. all that is likely. it will be our loss.

this morning – as i write this – the sun is in my eyes. it is bathing the quilt in light and i can’t look out the window – it is full of bright.

i can hear the birds outside. they are at the birdfeeder, on barney, feasting on birdseed and sunflower seeds. they are at the birdbath, cleaned and filled with water. everything else is still quiet, as it is early.

i’m thinking it doesn’t hurt to stoke up on these things – these sights, these sounds. it doesn’t hurt to hold them close or store them away.

because right now the future seems utterly uncertain.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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masquerade. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

it may have been the moon, save for the blue sky behind it, slight bits visible as the cloud cover momentarily parted. it may have been the moon had it been dark, had those tiny bits not been visible, had the glimmers of yellow not diffused through clouds. it may have been the moon, particularly if we had no other information at all, no other clues, nothing else to locate us. in that way we may have confused the moon with the sun.

but this celestial body had other dimensions, other hints pointing to its identity.

the sun was not posing at the moon. it was us – we were simply unclear – and we were reading this particular sun as very similar to the moon as we have seen it in the day sky. its ability to masquerade as the moon is particularly present on winter days, on days of overcast, days where the sun’s disc has a moody feel, on photographs not stamped with the time of day.

it would be far more difficult for the moon to pose as the sun.

a long time ago my daughter and i went to a country music jamboree on the other side of the state. my girl was maybe in early high school years. in the morning – before the sun rose – we drove across the state to go hear some of our favorite country artists – many of whom hadn’t yet made it big-time, but who were poised to headline charts everywhere. on the way we somehow decided that we would speak – the whole time at the jamboree – with southern accents, pretending to be from nashville.

and so we did. everywhere we went that day, everyone we spoke to, every word we spoke to each other, every lyric we sang was smoothly finessed with a slow southern drawl. we were mighty convincing. on the way home we laughed at our masquerades as southern girls up from the south to go to the jamboree in wisconsin. great fun and with no harm done. to be fair – it was a country music concert and we were merely attendees.

but, now, we are seeing – time and time again – people in positions of great power – the greatest power – with zero to pathetically few qualifications – masquerading in job titles in which they are making enormous decisions affecting the entire united states populace. it is a total, unparalleled farce of the system, dangerous beyond comprehension.

the saddest part is that there are plenty of people playing along with this charade. there are plenty of people who are cheering for it, supporting it, touting it on biased and lying media channels. there are plenty of people not questioning, not pushing back, not at all tuned into any sense of morality.

it should not be easy for the leaders of this country – with laws based on the constitution and its amendments – to pretend to be capable, to take uncaring power and run with it, to discard conscience, to masquerade as leaders, to lead with impunity.

it should not be easy for anyone to pretend to be the moon or – for that matter – the sun. we have more information than that, more clues. we have ways to locate posers.

now we must hold them accountable.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this TWO ARTIST TUESDAY

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the merit of munchos. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

so we are in the habit of celebrating. not just the big stuff.

particularly in this time – when all the world is in chaos, when we all have no idea what horrific thing will happen next, when there is so much trepidation about losing this country’s very democracy, we – now – celebrate the little stuff as well. and, as you can tell by this photograph, we -big-time – know what we’re doing when it comes to celebrations.

we know that most people choose to, well, maybe go out to dinner as a celebration, or maybe go away on a trip or to an event of some sort, maybe go shopping and splurge on a purchase of something long-awaited for.

we tend to be a little lower-key than all that. but even our most modest celebrations are still celebrations.

it doesn’t take much. in our zeal, we hiked two loops of our river trail. though suddenly exhausted from the toll that anticipation takes on adrenaline, happy kept us going, step by step. breathing the fresh air and feeling the sun – warm enough to take off our jackets – was its own cause for joy.

yes…on this particular day – last week, i might point out – we were beyond excited. our celebration was actually quite thrilling and filled our hearts.

and so we splurged on a $2.79 bag of munchos (on sale at woodman’s) and poured two glasses of wine. we pulled two adirondack chairs from the garage and sat in the 50-plus-degree-sun out on the patio and clinked. when the clouds covered the sun and the wind picked up we went inside, to sit at the bistro table by the window in our sunroom. with dogga on the rug at our feet, we lit a new gift, a soy candle in beautiful cut glass.

and we settled into festivity.

“enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” (robert brault)

*****

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light. hope. [kerri’s blog on k.s. friday]

“anne frank became a symbol of hope – a light in the dark – by maintaining her optimism and belief in human goodness despite enduring extreme fear, confinement and the horrors of the holocaust.” (AI)

it is certainly difficult to imagine anne frank maintaining her optimism and belief in human goodness. such darkness that she experienced in her short life is unparalleled.

the woods – away from any candlelit trail – were dark. but it was a starlit night and so the shadowy figures of trees and underbrush were more clearly trees and underbrush, rather than the dark figures of scary stuff we might have imagined. in this one spot, artificial light from lightposts lit the pines, illuminating the bow of the branches up close. beyond those lit boughs, a darker woods.

this was a night – as i wrote about – much-needed. a reminder of beauty, of presence, of quiet. it gave us both hope – and gratitude for the rejuvenation of being outside. for in these times – right now – in this country – there is so much about which to be horrified.

“darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that.” (martin luther king, jr.)

there is no way for us all to beat back the dark except to beat back the dark. for light to prevail, we must shine light on all that is dark…with no exceptions. as we learn more and more of the plan of this administration’s agenda – the absolute corruption sans impunity – it becomes harder to not shrink back, to recoil from such dark. but we cannot pass this dark on to the next generations, we can’t bequeath them with this kind of depravity. and so there is no choice but to shine light.

“do the best you can until you know better. then when you know better, do better.” (maya angelou)

and for those who have cheered on this atrocious kakistocracy, it is my hope that you will soon see it for what it is, that you will step away – gasping, that you will take light into your own hands and shine that light with us and all the others who are shining, that you will unearth moral conscience.

“hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” (desmond tutu)

and i have to believe that light begets light, hope begets hope – and through all humanity has endured – there will be enough light – held by enough good people – to shine into the corners of all the most ghastly of shadows, to shake down this dark, to exponentially multiply light by light and hope by hope, to reveal renewed sense and love, to expose goodness at its best and to reclaim it.

*****

HOPE © 2005 kerri sherwood

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toward the bench. [kerri’s blog on d.r. thursday]

tucked into the trail – the river trail – are spots i always find i am looking forward to: the curve of the river, the cattails in the marsh, the hill where you look down on the trees along the riverbank, the section that looks like a bayou, the turn in the path where deer linger, this one spot – where the reeds are thick and the turtles are numerous. we hike along and these are touchstones along the way, indicators of how far we have come, how far we have yet to go.

we all have them – the indicators of how far we have come, how far we have yet to go. i think about this now as i walk into my studio.

i spend way more time on the written word these days than on the piano bench. i spend way more time typing on a keyboard than pencil-jotting on scraps of paper scattered above the keys.

i look at high profile artists, years and years after their last album release, after long drought periods, in their 60s, now recording and releasing new albums. and it makes me wonder. it’s been 16 years since i released a full-length album.

sixteen years.

as someone who released fifteen albums in fifteen years that is stunning to me. and, thus, the wondering.

my piano is a touchstone to me, an anchor, something i can touch that is profoundly meaningful to me. i have walked a textured journey in the years i have spent with a piano central in my life, in time that the creating and performance of music was imperative. i have assigned success and failure, acceptance and rejection, support and betrayal to my piano.

and, in the way that enlightenment happens, i am beginning to learn that it is not my piano that is responsible. it has merely been my spokespiece, a vessel through which i might give voice.

instead, it is in that giving of voice – that expression of me – that amplification and celebration of music – that others – people – have squelched the how-far-i-have-yet-to-go, have taken the get-up from my get-up-and-go.

i don’t really know the reasons that one might feel they should push someone else under water, that one might feel the best use of their energy is to abuse or denigrate or minimize someone else, that one might feel that the most humane treatment of someone else is to concoct narratives and sway public or private-circle opinion. i don’t know the reasons why anyone would want to break another person or their spirit, creative or otherwise. i don’t really know the reasons why anyone would do any such things. it’s crushing.

i do know the impact these things have on a person. for no matter how tough one’s skin, how devoted to confidence, how determined, how bootstrapping one might be, there are others who can do great damage and who are – apparently – damned devoted to it.

it’s not my piano’s fault.

and so now – in this great enlightenment or admittance or downright sad awareness – i can see that those people who have done great harm have undermined so much between how-far-i-have-come and how-far-i-have-yet-to-go. and i am thinking – now – that I’ll be damned to let them rob all that from me, to let them take my piano – or my muse – hostage any longer. not that that’s easy. it is a difficult uphill journey.

it’s maybe time to stand in the reeds, hang with the turtles and cattails, get my feet wet in the marsh and walk – or sprint – or, more likely, crawl – toward the bench.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this D.R. THURSDAY

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counter-balance. [kerri’s blog on flawed/not-so-flawed wednesday]

i suppose there will be a day when i look out the front door – to the west and the setting sun – and not see these branches. i suppose wind or ice or age – or even a city crew – might take them down. in the meanwhile, though, they are a statement of the familiar and their graceful shape gives me comfort.

we have been more insular lately. there are many reasons for this, some too close-in to list. the world has felt inordinately harsh – the world IS inordinately harsh – and so, in the name of balance, there has been time simply spent here, at home.

and at the end of a day, when we realize that we had not gone anywhere in that day, i am sometimes surprised.

but engagement is not just getting-out-of-the-house. there are – i suspect – particularly evidenced by the vast numbers of people who still support the cruel, unhealthy, marginalizing agenda of this administration – plenty of people who get out of the house but who never actually engage in the reality of what is happening, never seek the truth, never question their proclivity to pompom this depravity, never utter that they might have been wrong.

they go to the mall or the department store and shop, they go to some supersized – or tiny – evangelical church that proclaims their modified version of jesus, they go out to dinner and feast, they are at soccer games and gymnasiums and gated community parks. they follow the social media of extremism and sanctify voices and leaders without compassion, without empathy, without conscience.

no, engagement – participation – involvement – in this world requires asking questions and participating in discussions, learning, parsing out complex ideas, critical thinking, curiosity, connection, the recognition of one’s impact in the world.

engagement does not suggest utter complicit passivity nor does it suggest giving over of one’s morality; it does not suggest sycophancy nor adulation of horrific ideology. it doesn’t suggest – or not suggest – any of that.

we each get to choose our own engagement.

personally, i will stick to seeking the ideals of kindness, compassion, humanitarianism, equality, truth. i will stick to looking to the constitution and its amendments of this country as the guiding discipline of its laws.

and, even if i’m not engaged with the mall or the church or out-and-about dining or shopping or playing a day here or a day there, i will continue to hold to the kind of engagement that does not ignore reality.

and that kind of engagement requires some counter-balance these days.

which takes me to these ever-familiar front-yard branches drawing grace in the sky.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this FLAWED/NOT-SO-FLAWED WEDNESDAY

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a changing sculpture. [kerri’s blog on two artists tuesday]

we were waiting in the examining room. i had a doctor’s appointment.

we were surrounded by beige and all manners of brown.

i said aloud, “if i had a doctor’s office, it would not be decorated or appointed in shades of beige and brown. it’s all rather flat and depressing.”

i suspect – for the same reason i said that about the office – you might say that about this photograph. you might even say that about this trail – for much of it is bathed in beige and brown, the reeds along the river, cattails, leafless trees, and dry underbrush populating the trailside.

but it’s different.

these shapes and textures are completely engaging. there has been a giving-over to nature, an organic timewornness that has taken place. and in this flower’s stead has been left a stunning sculpture, full of light and dark. you just have to see it.

in the new eyes i have since going slower, i feel drawn to each of these. i could be completely happy lingering on the trail, photographing one after another of these dried flowerheads, each distinct, each stunningly beautiful. the tall and stately, the rounded, the wishing seeds clinging to the rough edges after floating on the wind. so much life in so much fallow.

my sweet momma – at 93 – would look in the mirror to apply her lipstick. she’d frown and grimace, “i look like an old woman!” i’d assert the obvious – “well, momma, you are 93!” and then, looking into her blue eyes i’d tell her – “a beautiful old woman”. for it was those very wrinkles, those spots of age and wisdom and experiences, those eyes that told a million stories of love and pain, summit moments and disappointments that gave her the actual depth, the texture, the light and dark to BE beautiful.

i look in the mirror, glance down at my hands, get on the scale at the doctor’s office – i am a changing sculpture. i frown, i grimace.

and then i remember my sweet momma. and i remember the flowerhead on the side of the trail.

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this TWO ARTISTS TUESDAY

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the starting line of next. [kerri’s blog on merely-a-thought monday]

“it’s everything behind you that brings you to what’s ahead.” (visa commercial during the olympics)

in depicting the miscellany of experiences that makes up a life, we all would need large pieces of poster board placed side by side by side by side to create some sort of visual timeline, something that might represent life-to-this-point.

we would all have great paragraphs of explanation, large narratives filled with words that describe each event – each dit – on the timeline. we would have many adjectives, many sources, references to places and things, achievements and failures. we might have colors or foggy haze highlighting or distilling sections of our lifeline. we might have sections that make us look like hermits or sections that make us look downright rowdy. we might place large question marks over periods of time or, maybe, exclamation marks over moments of enlightenment.

there is one thing i know, though.

even though we are each – seemingly – the expert at our own life, there are few ways to explain it all. we attempt to connect the dots – deciphering some connections with reasonable reckoning, some connections serendipitous – but some things – the going-on from one time to another – are just, well, kind of unfigureoutable.

olympians, like artists, crawl and are catapulted by both tiny baby steps and big leaps into what’s ahead – the stuff of every nook and cranny lived part of the ingredients that place you at the starting line of next – the gate, the block, the apron of the stage, the blank paper, the record button, the empty canvas.

if you had asked me at 18 if i would ever live in the midwest, i would have firmly told you – in no uncertain terms – no. but there are things at 18 i didn’t know, things i didn’t know would happen to me, things i didn’t know i would choose, people i didn’t know i would meet, places I didn’t know i would go – all the obvious didn’t-knows. … every action, thought or event produces a corresponding result or consequence… uh-huh, yep.

but here’s another thing i also know.

when you gather all that it took to get to this point – the very point you are at right at this very moment – you should actually be a bit astounded at it all. for no matter all the specific details of your life – everything on your poster boards per se, you are still here now. there is still time – even this very minute – to do more, to say more, to make more, to move more. there is the ahead and every step takes us there. we have choices to make about what’s ahead. there are unparalleled surprises and calamities – both – in store for each of us. our poster boards aren’t done. keep the markers and crayons and thesaurus out.

we – here in the united states – live in a country with a rich – though rather brief – history. in the poster-board display of this country it would seem that we are currently lingering under a very big question mark.

i guess i wonder what in our lives would make any of us choose a dark route forward. what would make us choose cruel and abusive over kind and empathetic, with the light of hope for all? what – on this good earth in this finite life – would make us step into next, relishing adjectives of depravity and extremism?

“the road is long, with many a winding turn, that leads us to who knows where, who knows where…” (he ain’t heavy, he’s my brother – bobby scott/bob russell)

what do we want on the mutual poster boards of our country?

*****

read DAVID’s thoughts this MERELY-A-THOUGHT MONDAY

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